Psychotic Spa Day
by Lorelai Kline
Summary: After a rough day of working off stress Nel is talked into going to the spa. She had no idea just what she was in for. Alnel


Spa Day From Hell

(A/N: I have been having the worst day. I got a facial, watched the endings of both "Chobits" AND "D.N.Angel" plus I ate like a queen since our kitchen was re-stocked. So why am I complaining? My computer was offline for a WEEK! It was horrible. Our high-speed got knocked out for so long. I need my Gaia and my YahooIM! You wouldn't like me without it. I get millions of ideas; Ideas I won't share because they are so good and I don't want them stolen! I think I've already contributed too many good ideas. lol. Seriously, I think people are sick of me pitching AU stories. Somehow I wind up writing two non-AU stories, but AU's are my favorite... what happened? Anyway: I got the idea for this chaos from my "Spa Day" to beat the blues and rip-off the mean reds. I had mom give me a facial, got a mani-pedi, watched TONS of anime, and ate chocolate. It's worked so far to avoid thinking about lost time online. Anyway: I hope you enjoy the craziness.)

Disclaimer: I own NOTHING! Not Star Ocean, not Chobits, not Halo... NOTHING! All I own is the plot of this story, and even IT isn't TOTALLY original! ARE YOU HAPPY WITH MY MISERY! Eats chocolate to soothe the pain

It had been a horrible day. Maria had broken three nails, Sophia lost a contact, Mirage's hair had come undone, and Nel broke a toe or five while they all fought in the simulator. Peppita had skipped out on the training because she and Marietta were bonding. Meanwhile Tynave was still in shock over being on a spaceship while Clair was trying to assist her and Farleen stared at the lovely flashing and glowing lights around them.

As for the men? Fayt had decided to share his love of a certain videogame with Cliff and Roger. Albel had opted on reading some obscure classical fiction from a gothic writer as many female crewmembers aboard the starship they all were traveling on gawked at him. Two of the crewmembers had even taken pictures and ran earlier that day when they accidentally caught Albel shirtless after he had come from the showers. (A/N: coughMystandLorcough) Adray was busy begging Leiber to marry his daughter.

* * *

It was a normal horrible day. It came about when Cliff had a hunch to play a galactic lottery and actually won enough tickets for the entire crew of the Diplo plus some very lucky Elicoorians to stay aboard a luxurious resort starship. So excited was the male Klausian that he didn't even bother with asking permission or explaining what happened; He sort of just abducted everyone and left Mirage to do all the work.

That was why Mirage was training. Nel was training to work off the sexual tension between herself and another Elicoorian who happened to be on the ship as well. Maria and Sophia were bored and seeing who could run the slowest and have the worst aim. After a good long fighting simulation the four women trudged out of the training room; Maria and Sophia, leaning on each other and heaving.

"You guys look awful! What happened to you?" Came a high pitched voice. Peppita's A.D.D. had kicked in and she had abandoned torturing Marietta in favor of idolizing Nel and Mirage.

"We were training." Nel explained as she examined her blades to see that there was no damage to them at all. She still didn't quite grasp that her broken toes weren't caused by monsters but by her stubbing them against the stairs that led into the training pit.

"Ooooooh" Peppita said before turning around and skipping away.

"We should treat ourselves to a nice spa day." Mirage said as she gave her usual Mona Lisa smile.

"THERE'S A SPA HERE!" Maria and Sophia asked, wondering why the hell they had endured training when they could have been watching a shoujo anime while getting facials.

"Why weren't we informed?" Maria inquired, looking at Mirage as though she'd been betrayed. Mirage gave a Cliff-like shrug and led the way to a door clearly labeled "SPA" in blinking neon lights only two doors away that they passed in order to get to the training room. "I figured it was obvious" Mirage said calmly.

* * *

"OWNZED NOOB!" Roger screamed as his armor clad character shot Cliff's and Fayt's in the span of two seconds. Albel allowed himself to look up from his book to smirk at the dumbstruck faces of his male comrades. This "Halo" game was entertaining for everyone and very good for Roger's brain development. As Albel looked at his book again his smile turned softer and several of the women around him sighed. Little did they know that wedged in the pages of the book was a picture of the woman he was planning on marrying very soon.

* * *

Nel gave a small shiver as she entered the spa with her friends. She knew of spas well enough from her experience with Aquaria's luxury spas and the one visit she'd had wasn't pleasant. This looked ten times more strange and dangerous than any training exercise. Her muscles argued otherwise, however. She needed her toes popped back into place at least. A troupe of women dressed in clean white outfits and smiles that went from ear to ear approached the small group of four.

Wait, white outfits! Hadn't Cliff said something about a place with people wearing clean white coats to her when he caught her talking to herself. He said it was for crazy people! What if this was some ploy to get her to be institutionalized. This wasn't right at all. Why did the others look so calm? What if a spa was their version of a madhouse? All these strange instruments and beds and baths and such could pass for torture devices!

Nel suddenly began to hyperventilate when she saw it... a needle. OH APRIS she hated needles. She had to get at least sixty immunization shots when she boarded the cruise ship. She could handle swords, axes, flails, spears and the like, but needles... Why was she the only one upset by this?

Mirage looked to Nel's pale face, then to the botox injection needle that had her so worked up, and back to the cheerful staff of the spa and tried not to give an evil grin. This was going to be good. As a staff member inquired as to Nel's health it was even more hard for her not the chuckle at Nel's response.

"I'm not crazy!" Nel nearly yelled.

"Ummm... okay. That's good to know" said the chipper, yet slightly worried, attendant as she grabbed Nel's hand and guided her to the showers. Mirage, Maria, and Sophia followed quietly. It was taking every effort for Sophia not to laugh at Nel's misunderstanding and she was slowly turning a light shade of purple from holding her breath.

* * *

One shower later most everything had been explained and Nel felt like she needed to defend herself. "It was an honest mistake! Just look at all this stuff!" Her three friends just nodded their heads as they were lead to their particular chairs wearing nothing but terrycloth robes and slippers. Televisions were set up before each chair and each woman/girl turned to their desired program. Mirage settled for a news channel, Maria went for a cooking show, and Sophia landed on a Spanish soap opera. Nel kept flipping channels until she landed on an episode of Chobits. Thankfully TV had been explained to her and for some reason she just happened to like flashy anime.

Suddenly three women loomed over Nel with frightening smiles on their faces and a wild look in their eyes.

"So you're new to spa treatment? How nice. This should be a very nice experience for you. I promise we'll be nice. You seem so nice!" One woman continued to come up with every way to say "nice" imaginable while stirring some strange green goo around in a small clear bowl.

Another woman grabbed Nel's hands. "You have lovely hands! I'm an amateur palm-reader, mind if I do a reading?" She didn't wait for Nel's response. "Oooh! A long life line, and you'll be healthy too! And what's this? Lots of wealth and a husband that will love you! Oh wow! You lucky girl! And hmmm..." The woman started poking her hand a few times and giggling.

"What!" Nel asked, wanting to know just what the hell her hand was telling this strange woman.

"Three healthy children." The woman grinned before letting go of Nel's hands to do something else. Nel took the chance to look at her hands to try and see just what told this woman her future and also to see if the husband spoken of was who she wanted it to be.

"CARMEN, NO! Can't you see that Antonio is actually married to Marisol who is carrying Jose's baby!" Sophia screeched.

* * *

"I have a hunch they're at the spa." Cliff said.

"Since when did your hunches start being right? I'm worried that the laws of the universe have changed." Came the normally squeaky voice of Peppita.

"So they are at the spa? Figures." Fayt said more to himself than anyone else.

Roger had just fragged Cliff and Fayt yet again and was currently hanging onto every word Peppita was now saying. A mischievous grin had found its way home on his face and was threatening to reach from ear to ear. Cliff caught up to Roger's train of thought instantly and soon had a smile that rivaled Roger's.

Albel looked up from his book again and raised an eyebrow. A few of the fangirls screamed. One of the women being spoken of was the woman he planned proposing to; If Cliff and Roger were about to start anything he'd be sure to stop it if it was too out-of-hand.

* * *

Nel couldn't stop laughing. The evil trio of women had set to work on her; Her face was now covered in green goo, her nails were being painted and the bravest attendant was attempting to do Nel's toes. Sadly, none had been informed of how ticklish Nel's feet were and damage had been done. Trays were knocked over, faces were kicked and one of Nel's slippers flew off and hit a lady taking a mud bath. It took two women laying on her legs and one painting to get the job done. Meanwhile, Nel's friends were enjoying the show and dodging object's Nel's feet had set into motion. At one point Sophia fell out of her chair as she was laughing so hard.

After a few more minutes the task was completed and the nails had dried and it was time for the mud bath. This, Nel had no problem with and she happily shed her robe and stepped into the gritty dirt. If there was one thing Nel didn't have a problem with it was getting dirty. As she wiggled her toes in the mud she realized that the attendant had popped her toes back in place. Nel tilted her head back until she was looking upside-down and smiled at her three attendant, one of whom was cradling her bruised cheek.

"Thank you for fixing my toes!" Nel said sweetly, finally able to relax. She didn't even really pay attention to the whirring noise from Mirage's direction; If anything it's what made her fall asleep and dream of her beloved. Meanwhile Sophia and Mirage shared a smile as they set to watching Nel both in and out of the camera lens.

* * *

Albel hid a genuine smile behind his book as he thought of what he was having two of his maggot companions do for him. Nel would kill him later, but he'd die happy, and maybe his marriage proposal would offset Nel's anger.

A loud scream could be heard ringing throughout the halls of the cruise spaceship and Albel couldn't help but let out an evil laugh. The same two fangirls from earlier pulled out tape recorders, (and Apris help them if he let out an anguished scream) as the others swooned.

More screams came and Albel knew that Nel was getting her first wax, as explained by Mirage earlier. Too bad the other men had no idea. They all looked horror struck. What could make the Crimson Blade scream that way? It must be truly horrible for her screams to be that bloodcurdling.

Only Albel seemed to know.

* * *

Nel sat in the sauna, still trying to hide her tears of pain from the others. How did women from other planets endure this! This was worse than a psychiatric hospital or a torture chamber, or even the two combined. It was hell presented on a gold platter!

"Oh Apris... what a horrible day." Nel moaned.

"You have NO idea" Maria mumbled as Sophia pressed zoom on her video camera that was pointed at the pitiful warrior and Mirage changed tapes.

* * *

And the day wasn't over just yet. After they separated from Nel, Mirage and Sophia met up with Albel and they handed over the tapes. Albel already knew how to use the tape player thanks to Cliff trying to make him watch porn and greedily accepted the rectangular objects.

"Now tell us." Mirage said calmly. Sophia nodded her head and leaned in, secretly pressing a button on a hidden tape recorder that Mirage had supplied her with. No one suspects the sweet ones.

Albel cleared his throat and attempted to look even more proud than usual. "It's-" he started to say, but a distant whistle from a bulky Klausian sent them all walking in different directions until Cliff passed by. They regrouped and Albel cleared his throat yet again.

"Spit it out already!" Sophia prompted.

Albel glared at her and slowly opened his mouth. "It's Lola."

Both Mirage and Sophia burst out laughing as Albel hid behind his bangs and stood stark still.

"You're middle name is... is... LOLA?" Sophia said between heaving and laughing.

"Yes, you filthy maggot! Call it my father's horrible sense of humor but that is what it is... and if you ever speak of this I will not hesitate to kill you." He hissed.

That shut them up. Both females collected themselves and nodded before Albel stopped glaring at them. They quickly walked away and when Albel was sure there was no one nearby he smiled like Christmas had come early and headed off to find the nearest tape player.

* * *

Nel walked with a lot less grace than she had before her visit to the spa. After her steam bath the ladies in white had painted her face with some sort of feminine war paint that actually looked somewhat good. They called it "Make up" but it was nothing like the cosmetics on Elicoor. Nothing in this demented place was like on Elicoor II her mind mused.

As shemoved through the halls men seemed to stop and look her up and down. She would go into a fighting stance, knowing this was a sign that a man was debating on challenging her to a battle, but every one of them would walk away quickly. Nel wasn't surprised, in her current state she doubted she would be much of a fight and she wasn't exactly unhappy; She was in no mood for a duel.

As she walked past the fifth man to judge her she sighed and turned down an unfamiliar hallway, hoping that it would lead to some place empty and quiet. As she walked down the abandoned hallway she heard a man laughing. After making sure the laughter wasn't directed at her she checked to see where the laughter was coming from. For some reason the laughter sounded familiar, yet she'd never heard it before.

She found a door that was fairly close that had not closed all the way and peeked in, wanting to know just what was so funny. And then she saw it. A giant screen with her image on it, sleeping peacefully in a tub of mud. Suddenly a good battle wasn't so absurd an idea.

* * *

Albel didn't know what hit him. He laughed, a true, genuine, HAPPY laugh and then a few moments later the chair he had been sitting on had been pulled down to the floor and he was looking up into a pair of very angry green eyes. He then HAD to look down slightly, because his neck was in an odd position, and got a good look at black panties, red runes, and long legs.

"Evening, Zelpher" he said conversationally, "Come to watch the show with me?" He knew it was a bad idea to tease her, but she looked so cute and if he was going to die he was going to die a man... hopefully.

"Don't you DARE try and make friends now, Nox." She spat, before noticing he wasn't looking at her face.

Albel the Wicked actually gulped at that moment. He watched as Nel pulled out her blades and held them at his throat. He slowly reached into the small pack on his belt and pulled out what he hoped would save his life, watching as Nel leaned in closer to him looking like a very beautiful grim reaper.

"Any last words before I end your miserable, disgusting, worthless-" She began, but Albel cut her off.

"Okay I get it, just finish what you were saying, woman!" Albel prompted.

Nel blinked a few times before getting even angrier and pushing her blades a little closer to his neck. "Any last words" she barked.

"Marry me, Zelpher" Albel smirked as he showed her the ring in his claw's clutches. Nel nearly died of shock right there. She couldn't move, too stunned by what she was hearing, their current position and situation, and the rush of feelings. Sure, she'd wanted this, but she had been hoping for romance and to be absolutely sure that he really loved her.

There were hints. The upgrade from "wench" and "maggot" to "Zelpher" was a clue. The fact that he was staring at her and blushing slightly as his eyes reflected his feelings was a good sign. Plus he was always watching her, whispering things in her ear instead of just plain saying them... and that one time he coughed and it sounded suspiciously like "I love you".

An earth shattering scream erupted behind them, ruining the moment as the Nel on the big screen enjoyed her first wax. Albel cursed and Nel moved back from hovering over the Glyphian into a sitting position, sheathing her blades along the way. When the next scream sounded Albel pounded his claw into the floor and got up, going and turning off the tape that was still playing.

"The proposal is still valid, Zelpher" Albel said as he looked at the ring now in his good hand, his back to the woman he hoped would say "Yes".

"Fine."

Albel whirled around and looked Nel straight in the eye. "What did you say?" He asked in a harsher tone than he intended.

"I said FINE. Clean out your ears." Nel said, smirking at him and crossing her arms.

Albel didn't wait for any further discussion. He crossed the room in two steps and kissed Nel passionately before slipping the ring on the appropriate finger.

"I knew you couldn't resist me" he smiled.

Nel reached up and brushed his bangs out of his face, smiling back at him as their eyes met and evenly said "Don't make me kill you."

* * *

THE END!

* * *

(AND THERE YOU HAVE IT! This is the crazy crap I come up with when I have no internet. Again I owe Myst big time for helping me out so much. When I got my internet back I showed this to her right away and she was ready to fix it up and make it even funnier. I hope you liked it a little bit. I know there was no outright Alnel, but if you want it feel free to ask me and I'll be happy to give permission for you to write a sequel. It'd be nice to see what could stem from this. Anyway, later days.

Love,

Lor)


End file.
